Original Sin

It’s fascinating to read about the fall from grace in Genesis and our sorrowful fight against God’s rule and love. We were first made for specific roles. Adam was made for the guardianship and stewardship of everything in the world. He names the animals as God made them, he knew them all by name and I’m sure he was very acquainted with the animals and their personalities. Eve was made specifically for Adam. She was made and fashioned from man for man. (Feminists, is that such a bad idea? Is it so bad to be made solely and designed to perfection for love and the upholding of our counterparts? What is so bad about a life with purpose?).

I asked for God to show me what it means to be a woman, I was looking for empowerment and a way that I can raise my fists and claim in power what I am. God smiled and showed me the initial creation of my sex, our downfall, our curse, but also our salvation. Let me tell you something, it wasn’t easy. I am very guilty of the original sin of woman and what came after.

From Grace

It started when Satan, in the form of a snake, made Eve feel that she was missing out from something great and blamed God for keeping her from “enlightenment” (isn’t semantics deviantly delicious?). She ate the fruit (why an apple? It’s a fruit, any fruit really). The minute Eve consented (please, she was not duped, she consented) she brought sin into the equation, but here is the interesting part. Sin didn’t become engrained and passed down through humanity until Adam partook of the sin. Remember, Adam is the steward of all creation; he was made to take care and tend to the creation of God. When Adam took of the fruit he opened a portal and became the facilitator for sin to enter the whole of humanity; and thus began our fall from grace.

From the start we can see our sin laid out.

1. Doubting of God’s word and the grace of His rule

a. Eve questioned God’s rule, and she also questioned God’s intention. God’s rule is set in place so we are liberated of distractions so we can run well oiled for His purpose

2. Shame

a. Adam and Eve knew that they were naked the minute that they had the fruit. I don’t know where in the bible it will fully explain their shame (any takers?) but I’m going to say that their shame of their nakedness was a jarringly violent realization that they were suddenly separate from Eden. I know that doesn’t entirely cover their reason for feeling naked, but I’m trying.

3. The Blame game!

a. Adam, why? She gave it to me. Eve, why? The snake gave it to me. Seriously! Neither of them owned up to their own sin. Well, they did say yes, but they didn’t take the full responsibility.

b. Eve listened to the snake because she doubted God’s love and his intentions for the rules.

c. Adam listened to Eve even though God told him to his face never to eat of the fruit of the tree. Adam outright disobeyed God.

4. The respective sins

a. Adam would toil to take care of the earth, a job that he was made for in the first place, but I’d imagine it was much simpler and easier in Eden

b. Eve would chafe under her husband’s leadership, when in Eden, she delighted in it. She would also give birth through pain.

c. The serpent would attack the child of Eve, but also be hunted by man.

This all sound familiar to you? The curse of our original sin is still evident. Men, and now women, toil and labor in their work, it’s almost not work unless you hate it. Women still have pain in childbirth, although the epidural does make that easier. The feminist movement is the widespread institutionalization of God’s curse on woman.

I have no clear conclusion, only that this is a beginning of a beautiful journey for me. It starts with our sin and fall from the Love of God, but comes back full circle with our redemption and the rebuilding of our bridge to God through Jesus, who was born upon pain of childbirth.

Amazing.

Death Written Oct 5th, 2005

This is a blog inspired by the passing of dear Uncle Joseph, dedicated to the ever strong matriarch, Aunty Mary. This blog is also inspired by my Philosophy 101 class, of which many debates and arguments have arise. What is this thing that we call death. Some philosophers call it the lack of a choice, doctors and the like would call it the lack of brain activity. Regardless of what 'death' is, the bigger question is what happens with death. Before doing so, I would like to tackle the question of reactions to death. Of reactions, I can only speak for myself. As for the reactions of those close to me, that shall remain close to me. My first open casket viewing was surreal. I saw my aunt before she passed away, and then seeing her in her coffin, that was numbing. The bodies of the dead, the fortunate loved dead, are cleaned, and prepared for burial. There is always a need to make them up to appear life like, as if that would soften the blow of the loss of a loved one. There is something surreal, almost otherworldly of seeing the body of the one that you once knew to have held your hand when you were scared, argued with you when you were being difficult, the one who was walking and breathing like everyone else. My reactions would constitute that of first, numb acceptance, second, extreme sorrow and then that of realization and acception. Anyway, I'm getting off topic. When a person dies, it is the harsh realization that the memories and the things that you hold dear in the person has left the physical body. Christians and numerous other religions belief in an after life. To Christians, our afterlife is that with God. This is how I rationalize the passing away of a loved one; "They are at a better place, a place where we all strive to be at". I do not react compassionately at first, that much I admit, but when it comes for the time of mourning, nothing can stop the flood gates. The hope for an afterlife brings me to my primary topic, what happens after death. During my huge religious inferno, I developed a fear of death. At first glance, I did not understand my sudden fear of death. Upon further investigation, I realized that it was my doubt in God and his redeeming power that made me infinitely afraid of death. I was afraid of hell, I was afraid of nothingness, most of all I was afraid to admit it to myself. When I finally came back on the grounds of the love of my relationship to Him, and not my fear of death, death suddenly became a liberating thing for me. Of course, this is a view not shared with everyone, specially those who have been hard hit. Death got me started on my will. Morbid, I'll admit, but if you think about it, waking up everyday is nothing easy, it's just because we do it so often that we think we will do it again the next day. I have tried to value each and everyday, I have failed, but I do try. And so to my will. Dear Loved ones and Friends, Please do not cry for my passing, but if you must, cry for joy that I am with Him who my heart pines for. Do not build me a coffin, do not rouge my cheeks, do not dress me in my finest, do not carry me on your shoulders. Do not say that I was the best. Do burn my body to ashes to which it belongs, dress me in my favorite, scatter me on the shores of my land, say that I was human and that I wronged and I tried my best. Please do not cry, please remember that I am with Him who my heart pines for. Each one of you, take your most cherished memory of you and I, go to the place that we so often liked, take a moment there and remember who I am, what we did and what we shared. Remember that your life is very important to me, more time more important than mine. For those who I have wronged, I apologize. I apologize for lashing out, I apologize for not pausing before hurting you. Know that when I wronged you, I wronged myself more of a friend I could have had. I ask that you don't go to my grave, for I won't be there. Go to your most cherished memory with me, be that at the beach, in your mind, at a restaurant or at a garden bench, and there I will be there to be with you again in your memory. Remember me when I was wrong and remember me when I was right, for it is both the bad and good that makes me who I am.

Competition

Dear Lord, today I pray for strength, today I pray for patience. Grant me the heart of humility to serve others.

That’s the prayer that I say every day, and yet I have failed to pray for the one most important thing in my life. I have failed to pray for the one thing that I have been made for. If you are like me, you would pray daily for a plan in your life that you want so much, or something in your life that you want to work out. My unemployment and having lost many thing in my life that I think I need, I developed a bad habit of praying for the things in my life. How futile is that?! Jesus promised:-

“And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.” Luke 12:29-31

In that light, my prayers for the necessities of my life are redundant. Yes the Lord is pleased when we come to Him with supplication, but is it not more pleasing when we come to Him to build our relationship with Him?

Our life is filled with errands, work, and other relationships that take up our time. Groceries to buy, on a budget that is left after paying the bills, debts and mortgages, deadlines at work to meet and people to meet up with and chat. That’s all good in a day’s work, but what is a day without time with God? Funny how our lives roll downhill when we neglect our relationship with God. Oswold Chambers in My Utmost for His highest writes that whenever there is competition, be sure that you put your relationship to God first, and when we do, all that we need will be given unto us (January 27).

We read of missionaries and prophets who travel and spread the word of God, who have a zealous and passionate relationships with God, and throughout their life, God has never failed to provide for them. I find it hilarious that I keep praying for my necessities, when God has already promised from our genesis that He will provide.

Chambers has challenged me, has pointed to the sore point in my life. He has challenged me to love God, to be head over heels for my God. Everyone has fallen in love at one point in their life. How desirable it is to quiver at the touch of God, to count down the hours to the next meeting with God, to smile at each thought of Him, to know Him so well that one could be confident in His character. The one thing that God can give that no other lover can is His faithfulness. He is the unchanging strong tower that will always be there.

That is worth pursuing over the competition of my other relationships.

Upon popular demand, I've returned to blogging my thoughts. Richard, my family and my friends have all told me of my ability to capture thoughts and images far better than they can. More so, I seem to able to capture the very things that their heart delves into. Hence, my love for writing will be resurrected. You might ask, where have I been all this while? Answer, my dear friends, is quite the obvious for those who have been by my side, but for my dear friends in other places, my life took a dark turn.

My dearest Grandmother (paternal) fought bravely with ovarian cancer. Though the days of her battle still ring bright in my minds eye, I say only that it was a period of dark fear but also the most beautiful time of life where the family was brought together to care for the lady who has touched our lives in so many ways. I will always remember her nursing me back to health from a horrid stomach flu. With ginger ale and unsalted crackers to eat, I was weak and delirious. All I remember is waking up occasionally to find her cool hands on my forehead, her talking to herself about my sickness, and her strong spirit praying for me. I remember distinctively having being propped up, a minty ointment splashed on my back and her tiny weather worn hands rubbing my back to ease the discomfort in my stomach and back. Everything dissipated, the stale taste of crackers and ginger ale, the sea in my stomach, the barge in my head. For that moment, my mind was as sharp as hers as she sangs songs of old to me, songs that reminded me of the time where we went to tangkap bubuk*, times where I squatted with my little sun hat, rubbing the sand out of my eyes. All too soon, the relief was gone and I was back into fitful slumber.

It was those little hands that held tight to my arm so as not to fall, it was those little hands that I held to my cheek as I read Psalms, it was those little hands that massaged with cream, it was those little hands that were too pale to be hers, it was those little hands that pulled me close to bless, and it is those little hands that I miss.

My soul and my life have closed itself off from the inception of the loss. With the help of many and all, I have slowly reinstated myself into a life I once led, one of self reflection. For the longest time I avoided self reflection, for the reason of repeating the most painful parts of my life. Now, it is the self reflection that teaches me the most about myself. My dear friends, I pray that what I write is not for my self sake, but for the sake through which you find God holding the base foundations of your soul. I found that out, though not the easy way.

Shout out to Benjamin C. Miss you too bud, you were always a hoot.

Wait


I vow, that is the hardest word that anyone can ever say to me. Ironically, I find that my dearest Lord and saviour is saying that to me now. There are so many things that I want right now.
1. Move to Vancouver
2. Start nursing
3. To solidify my relationships with Richard.

Is that so hard of a request? No. Simple requests, with simple solutions, and yet, God tells me, wait child. My reaction was first of frustration. I clench my fists and pound on His chest, asking why?

"But I have been ready since I was young! I have been away from Home, I want to be home, to come home to someone that I know loves me, pimples, warts and farts. (haha) I want to move on in life and I want to become a nurse to help people, to move to Vancouver to be able to share my days with Richard! I want!"


All the while, God stands there and He smiles His knowing smile.

He waits.


That's the thing. He waits, and so must I. I see opportunities, and I point them out to Him and demand "Why not?!" and He smiles and says "Why Now?"

Ludicrous, isn't it, that I think I know how to make things work out for myself. you think I would learn, that if I were to take things into my hands, that I would be able to mold my life to way that I know I want it to be.

the beauty of it all, is that, God in His foreknowledge, He asks us to wait on Him, to love Him and to want Him.
That is my mistake. I have forgotten that God, being able to see everything, knows that waiting is the best for certain things.

If it is good now, the plan that God has for me will be for ultimate good. I'm not talking about MY ultimate good, but His. His glory, His power and His love.

Corny metaphor, a relationships with God is like preparing for Marriage, you have to wait on certain things, but you have to be committed, to show your love to Him.

The breathtaking thing - He is Perfect, He Knows All, and He still Loves.

And so, if He asks, says, Wait, child...then wait.

*This blog is a shout out to my friends, Denis and Denise. Your friendship is precious. *

The Brevity of Love

Anyone seen Love Actually? I happen to own that DVD. I bought it for a whopping C$7. Pretty sweet deal if you ask me.

Few weeks ago, I watched it with my boyfriend and our married friends. It was definately an eye opener to watch the movie again after about a year of not watching it. Anyone who has watched it will know the multiple story lines in it, stemming from cheating lip locking wives to overtly friendly American girls from Wisconsin.

The mains issue of the movie was the hasty representation of love that it potrayed. Marital decisions done without regard to language and communication barriers, young 8 year olds embarking on the "trip of their lifetime" and porno actors who marry, and are conservative about it. Please. Anyone in their right mind would know that love does not carve that route.

Now, I could be like the Apostle Paul and rant like he did to the Corinthians, but I choose to put it in the language of our everyday life.

Love does not see Mr. Now as better than Mr. Then. Love is being able to accept your partner based on their own merit, without saying "But he treated me better than the last guy".

Love is strong. It is being able to say no and to accept a no. This happens more in the particulars.

Love is respectful, it is knowing when to tell your partner to take time off from the relationship and aid them in taking care of their other relationship. The main shortfalling of many dating couples is that when they continue to spend more and more time together, they neglect the very friends and family members who made them who they are, made them who their partner first was attracted to. When couples start to put too much hope in another falible human being, it is the sweet recipie for emotional let downs.

Love is being able to accept the person as is, and not changing them. I'm sure everyone has heard the adage "Men marry in hopes that the woman doesn't change, and women marry in the hope that the man will change". What a miserable world. Change is to be had together, and at the same time, change should not happen to the core fundamental aspects of a person. Couples of the world would have less heartache if each could accept the other, flaws and all.

Most of all, Love is knowing what you want, what your partner wants, and doing the right steps to get that, no matter how painful, how far away the rewards look. Ability for delayed gratification is a marked sign of maturity.

The Brevity of Love is not of love at all, rather the immediate need for self gratification.

Will I ever be ready?

We are told that there is a time for things, a time to stand and fight, a time to let the argument go, a time to be happy, a time to mourn, a time to move on, a time to love, and time to marry and a time to bury those who you love.

I moved away from home at the tender age of 17. At that moment in time, I felt ready. I was ready to go to this new place called Canada, to enter Grade 12 and to expand my horizons and stretch myself. It was an experience, that was for sure.

Grade 12 was over rated. the Cliques, the adolescent swearing and the teachers who had favorites. It was not more so these elements, but it was the sheer fact that I was not a part of this established community.

Yet, throughout my whole life, I have learned to keep myself at bay, to not fully emerse myself in groups of people. Freud struck home when he said that human relations are the very source of immense pleasure and pain.

Freshman year was a hard year, 2nd year was the darkest year of my university "career", 3rd year was my limbo on earth and 4th year is the reconciliation of my past. I have suceeded in negotiating my adult life, but I'm having issues negotiating my future.

The nail in my coffin is not being able to be with my parents. My sister and I are here together, and together we will make our own family. But the knowledge that we will no longer be able to share our life like we used to is heart wrenching. One day, I hope to marry, and I know I will have to leave my family to make a family with my partner, but a part of me is unable to get enough of my family. The 11pm ventures to the heart of KL, the little jokes that we share, the waking up on Saturday mornings hearing my parents laughing and talking to each other in their room, the smell of peanut butter toast and coffee on Sunday late morning. Ribbons of memory that caress my heart brief enough for me to feel its tenderness but enough to keep me longing for more.

Nothing could've prepared me at 17 to realize that the last night at home that was agonizingly slow was the last that I should have wanted to go slower.

Now, my sister and I here are family, and I will do everything that God requires of me, but the child of me wants my parents. The child of me wants to be able to sit on their lap and know that everything will be ok. Their Love, their Pride, their Support and their Strength is ... is there ever a word that can enbody this? The english language proves itself incredibly insufficient.

All my life, my family have moved to many a places, and I counted these more than blessing. The moves we made weren't hard on me, that because I was moving with Home. My consolation is in the fact that the Love that I have for my parents are minute in comparison to Christ's of them. I can't find an answer for myself. I am fallible. This much I know, Christ is my answer.