Competition

Dear Lord, today I pray for strength, today I pray for patience. Grant me the heart of humility to serve others.

That’s the prayer that I say every day, and yet I have failed to pray for the one most important thing in my life. I have failed to pray for the one thing that I have been made for. If you are like me, you would pray daily for a plan in your life that you want so much, or something in your life that you want to work out. My unemployment and having lost many thing in my life that I think I need, I developed a bad habit of praying for the things in my life. How futile is that?! Jesus promised:-

“And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.” Luke 12:29-31

In that light, my prayers for the necessities of my life are redundant. Yes the Lord is pleased when we come to Him with supplication, but is it not more pleasing when we come to Him to build our relationship with Him?

Our life is filled with errands, work, and other relationships that take up our time. Groceries to buy, on a budget that is left after paying the bills, debts and mortgages, deadlines at work to meet and people to meet up with and chat. That’s all good in a day’s work, but what is a day without time with God? Funny how our lives roll downhill when we neglect our relationship with God. Oswold Chambers in My Utmost for His highest writes that whenever there is competition, be sure that you put your relationship to God first, and when we do, all that we need will be given unto us (January 27).

We read of missionaries and prophets who travel and spread the word of God, who have a zealous and passionate relationships with God, and throughout their life, God has never failed to provide for them. I find it hilarious that I keep praying for my necessities, when God has already promised from our genesis that He will provide.

Chambers has challenged me, has pointed to the sore point in my life. He has challenged me to love God, to be head over heels for my God. Everyone has fallen in love at one point in their life. How desirable it is to quiver at the touch of God, to count down the hours to the next meeting with God, to smile at each thought of Him, to know Him so well that one could be confident in His character. The one thing that God can give that no other lover can is His faithfulness. He is the unchanging strong tower that will always be there.

That is worth pursuing over the competition of my other relationships.

Upon popular demand, I've returned to blogging my thoughts. Richard, my family and my friends have all told me of my ability to capture thoughts and images far better than they can. More so, I seem to able to capture the very things that their heart delves into. Hence, my love for writing will be resurrected. You might ask, where have I been all this while? Answer, my dear friends, is quite the obvious for those who have been by my side, but for my dear friends in other places, my life took a dark turn.

My dearest Grandmother (paternal) fought bravely with ovarian cancer. Though the days of her battle still ring bright in my minds eye, I say only that it was a period of dark fear but also the most beautiful time of life where the family was brought together to care for the lady who has touched our lives in so many ways. I will always remember her nursing me back to health from a horrid stomach flu. With ginger ale and unsalted crackers to eat, I was weak and delirious. All I remember is waking up occasionally to find her cool hands on my forehead, her talking to herself about my sickness, and her strong spirit praying for me. I remember distinctively having being propped up, a minty ointment splashed on my back and her tiny weather worn hands rubbing my back to ease the discomfort in my stomach and back. Everything dissipated, the stale taste of crackers and ginger ale, the sea in my stomach, the barge in my head. For that moment, my mind was as sharp as hers as she sangs songs of old to me, songs that reminded me of the time where we went to tangkap bubuk*, times where I squatted with my little sun hat, rubbing the sand out of my eyes. All too soon, the relief was gone and I was back into fitful slumber.

It was those little hands that held tight to my arm so as not to fall, it was those little hands that I held to my cheek as I read Psalms, it was those little hands that massaged with cream, it was those little hands that were too pale to be hers, it was those little hands that pulled me close to bless, and it is those little hands that I miss.

My soul and my life have closed itself off from the inception of the loss. With the help of many and all, I have slowly reinstated myself into a life I once led, one of self reflection. For the longest time I avoided self reflection, for the reason of repeating the most painful parts of my life. Now, it is the self reflection that teaches me the most about myself. My dear friends, I pray that what I write is not for my self sake, but for the sake through which you find God holding the base foundations of your soul. I found that out, though not the easy way.

Shout out to Benjamin C. Miss you too bud, you were always a hoot.

Wait


I vow, that is the hardest word that anyone can ever say to me. Ironically, I find that my dearest Lord and saviour is saying that to me now. There are so many things that I want right now.
1. Move to Vancouver
2. Start nursing
3. To solidify my relationships with Richard.

Is that so hard of a request? No. Simple requests, with simple solutions, and yet, God tells me, wait child. My reaction was first of frustration. I clench my fists and pound on His chest, asking why?

"But I have been ready since I was young! I have been away from Home, I want to be home, to come home to someone that I know loves me, pimples, warts and farts. (haha) I want to move on in life and I want to become a nurse to help people, to move to Vancouver to be able to share my days with Richard! I want!"


All the while, God stands there and He smiles His knowing smile.

He waits.


That's the thing. He waits, and so must I. I see opportunities, and I point them out to Him and demand "Why not?!" and He smiles and says "Why Now?"

Ludicrous, isn't it, that I think I know how to make things work out for myself. you think I would learn, that if I were to take things into my hands, that I would be able to mold my life to way that I know I want it to be.

the beauty of it all, is that, God in His foreknowledge, He asks us to wait on Him, to love Him and to want Him.
That is my mistake. I have forgotten that God, being able to see everything, knows that waiting is the best for certain things.

If it is good now, the plan that God has for me will be for ultimate good. I'm not talking about MY ultimate good, but His. His glory, His power and His love.

Corny metaphor, a relationships with God is like preparing for Marriage, you have to wait on certain things, but you have to be committed, to show your love to Him.

The breathtaking thing - He is Perfect, He Knows All, and He still Loves.

And so, if He asks, says, Wait, child...then wait.

*This blog is a shout out to my friends, Denis and Denise. Your friendship is precious. *

The Brevity of Love

Anyone seen Love Actually? I happen to own that DVD. I bought it for a whopping C$7. Pretty sweet deal if you ask me.

Few weeks ago, I watched it with my boyfriend and our married friends. It was definately an eye opener to watch the movie again after about a year of not watching it. Anyone who has watched it will know the multiple story lines in it, stemming from cheating lip locking wives to overtly friendly American girls from Wisconsin.

The mains issue of the movie was the hasty representation of love that it potrayed. Marital decisions done without regard to language and communication barriers, young 8 year olds embarking on the "trip of their lifetime" and porno actors who marry, and are conservative about it. Please. Anyone in their right mind would know that love does not carve that route.

Now, I could be like the Apostle Paul and rant like he did to the Corinthians, but I choose to put it in the language of our everyday life.

Love does not see Mr. Now as better than Mr. Then. Love is being able to accept your partner based on their own merit, without saying "But he treated me better than the last guy".

Love is strong. It is being able to say no and to accept a no. This happens more in the particulars.

Love is respectful, it is knowing when to tell your partner to take time off from the relationship and aid them in taking care of their other relationship. The main shortfalling of many dating couples is that when they continue to spend more and more time together, they neglect the very friends and family members who made them who they are, made them who their partner first was attracted to. When couples start to put too much hope in another falible human being, it is the sweet recipie for emotional let downs.

Love is being able to accept the person as is, and not changing them. I'm sure everyone has heard the adage "Men marry in hopes that the woman doesn't change, and women marry in the hope that the man will change". What a miserable world. Change is to be had together, and at the same time, change should not happen to the core fundamental aspects of a person. Couples of the world would have less heartache if each could accept the other, flaws and all.

Most of all, Love is knowing what you want, what your partner wants, and doing the right steps to get that, no matter how painful, how far away the rewards look. Ability for delayed gratification is a marked sign of maturity.

The Brevity of Love is not of love at all, rather the immediate need for self gratification.

Will I ever be ready?

We are told that there is a time for things, a time to stand and fight, a time to let the argument go, a time to be happy, a time to mourn, a time to move on, a time to love, and time to marry and a time to bury those who you love.

I moved away from home at the tender age of 17. At that moment in time, I felt ready. I was ready to go to this new place called Canada, to enter Grade 12 and to expand my horizons and stretch myself. It was an experience, that was for sure.

Grade 12 was over rated. the Cliques, the adolescent swearing and the teachers who had favorites. It was not more so these elements, but it was the sheer fact that I was not a part of this established community.

Yet, throughout my whole life, I have learned to keep myself at bay, to not fully emerse myself in groups of people. Freud struck home when he said that human relations are the very source of immense pleasure and pain.

Freshman year was a hard year, 2nd year was the darkest year of my university "career", 3rd year was my limbo on earth and 4th year is the reconciliation of my past. I have suceeded in negotiating my adult life, but I'm having issues negotiating my future.

The nail in my coffin is not being able to be with my parents. My sister and I are here together, and together we will make our own family. But the knowledge that we will no longer be able to share our life like we used to is heart wrenching. One day, I hope to marry, and I know I will have to leave my family to make a family with my partner, but a part of me is unable to get enough of my family. The 11pm ventures to the heart of KL, the little jokes that we share, the waking up on Saturday mornings hearing my parents laughing and talking to each other in their room, the smell of peanut butter toast and coffee on Sunday late morning. Ribbons of memory that caress my heart brief enough for me to feel its tenderness but enough to keep me longing for more.

Nothing could've prepared me at 17 to realize that the last night at home that was agonizingly slow was the last that I should have wanted to go slower.

Now, my sister and I here are family, and I will do everything that God requires of me, but the child of me wants my parents. The child of me wants to be able to sit on their lap and know that everything will be ok. Their Love, their Pride, their Support and their Strength is ... is there ever a word that can enbody this? The english language proves itself incredibly insufficient.

All my life, my family have moved to many a places, and I counted these more than blessing. The moves we made weren't hard on me, that because I was moving with Home. My consolation is in the fact that the Love that I have for my parents are minute in comparison to Christ's of them. I can't find an answer for myself. I am fallible. This much I know, Christ is my answer.

God has been absolutely amazing! For the longest time I have been eying for a job, a job anywhere where I can gain some sort of experience. I applied for a university job a few weeks ago. The first time round, my resume was blocked from the employer's email account. Second time, I handed in my resume and application in person.

2 weeks passed, and I felt like I was holding my breath in vain. I forgot about wanting a job for a few days, since I have been running doing errands and spending time with my grandma.

Ever since school ended, I have been praying for a job, everyone around me was employed and I felt inadequate, but through it all, with the support of Richard and my family, we kept praying and putting out trust in God.

It was frustrating at first, and a few times, but I slowly learned humility and patience. It was a long and slow process of change, but I am grateful to God that He laid out His will slowly, letting me grow and experience the lessons that I needed to have. His patience with me is amazing, and my trust and love for Him has grown. Even though I was saddened at times, I kept my hopes in Him, not in the hope of finding a job, but faith in the knowledge that whatever happens, God has His way and He has a lesson for me.

6.04pm, 5th of July 2006.

I was washing the dishes in the sink when the phone rings.
Caller ID "University of Alberta Hospital"
Hm, I wonder, who in the world could that be?
"Hi, can I speak to Felicia please?
"Speaking, how can I help you?"
"Hi Felicia, it's Sherry Noseworthy. I was wondering if you have a job right now?"
"No, I dont" (Heart pounding away)
"Ok, well, I have a clerical job for you. The student who was doing that job has stopped because she has graduated from the Faculty of Nursing. We have a position open and we were wondering if you can Have orientation on Monday and start work, but we also need to know if you are eager and willing"
"I think it'll be safe to say that I'm bouncing off the wall right now"

We talked about starting the job, when, how much and how often. Bottom line, I'm totally excited about my new job. I'm ever so thankful to many people in my life. The next thing to look foward to is actually starting the work and dealing with what I need to do.

God is Amazing.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY: (by order of preference)
1. Felicia
2. felit
3. n/a

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. felit
2. Murdoc
3. Elephant Memories

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: (again, in order of preference)
1. I have hyperextensions!
2. I have curves
3. My hair browns a nice honey in the sun

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I have eye bags
2. Flat arches
3. - n/a -

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Malaysian
2. Chinese
3. Melanau

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Cancer
2. Loss of a loved one
3. earthworms

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Reading the Bible and talking to God
2. Spending time with family
3. shower

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. A necklace with a cross that my mother bought for me
2. A gold bracelet my grandma gave to me
3. a comfy pair of shorts

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. Jars of Clay
2. Switchfoot
3. Jack Johnson

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
1. Love song for a Saviour - Jars of Clay
2. Jesus, be the Center
3. Learning to Breath - Switchfoot

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Commitment
2. Laughter
3. Respect

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. I have been to a funeral where people laugh
2. I have never stayed in a palce for more than 8 years
3. I have been to the Niagra Falls

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU
1. Love for God
2. Intelligence
3. Respect for others

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. reading
2. Running
3. Laughing

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Take my grandma to a walk down memory lane
2. Jump into the ocean by a nice beach
3. finish reading all of the articles for my Soc 473 class

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. Marketing Manager
2. Travel show host
3. Working with the UN

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Malaysia
2. Greece
3. Anywhere tropical

THREE KID'S NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. Mekayla
2. Danika
3. James

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Make a difference in someone's life
2. Contribute to the international effort of HIV/AIDS and or Cancer
3. Do what God wants me to do

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. I punch hard
2. I am blunt
3. I hate mind games

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A CHICK:
1. I love bling bling
2. I love dressing up
3. I hate earthworms

THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. I don't really care about any celebraties.
2. - n/a -
3. - n/a -

THREE PEOPLE THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
1. Manny!
2. Richard!
3. Andrea!

Cyclical Fads

Wonder is all the things that happen in my life happen as a fad. Career choices, relationships, friends and family.

There is something exhilirating about the new, or about the undiscovered. When I feel that all that is discovered is all that I need, then I de-fad.

I have always said that one must want what one has. Easier said that done. Even the wisest man does not listen to his own council.

Courses are always exciting at the start, then I figure out what it's all about, everything else falls into the same mold that I already know...and then I find myself in a rut that I made.

I don't have any resolutions or solutions, rather, I hope to find a way to deal with this while writing.

Well, I'm dont writing, and I can't find it, maybe not now, not ever.

"Maybe we're all meant to fly close to the fire"
~ Karen

Thank you, Karen.

Cancerous Tree

One day, I might get cancer. How scary is that? you might be laughing at me, but consider this, both my grandfathers passed away of cancer. My extended family is cancer ridden. Sigh...

Rare indeed, is a friend in need.

All of my Regrets are nothing New

I haven’t been writing for a long while, which is what spurred me to exhume my long buried blog account. After going through all the required preliminaries of setting up my blog, I wondered, what in Heaven and Earth should I write about? This proved to a point of contention for me, as I have sat at my notebook, fingertips anticipating the light tapping of the keys, and …nothing. Absolute nothingness. Nothing from my mind, from my soul, barren. Then, lo behold, when I’m supposed to finish an 8 page essay due at 6 pm the next day, listening to music, it hit me! I will write about me! Narcissistic? Maybe, but hey, this is one subject area at which I am the surest of. I may not have a full grasp of who I am, but at least I know more about myself than I know about anything else.

Listening to Switchfoot, I heard the lyrics “all my regrets are nothing new”. How true those words are to me! The past few months have been a crystal clear mirror, showing everything that I love, value, and long to forget and cast aside. Traveling and moving around in my life, I was not required to stay committed to someone or something for more than 5 years of more. This is quite convenient seeing as I get bored with things really fast, but a real sore point, for I have not known what it is like to have a childhood friend, to have friends that last for more than the short, sweet span of a year. You see, moving around has got me used to making friends fast and also has me adjusting to loosing them fast. Over time, my heart callused in areas that now prove inconvenient.

I have learnt to adjust and fit in fast, I have learnt to evolve and change fast, but I have also learnt to let go and give up fast. I have learned to not hold on to people.

“Hey, I’m moving next month.”

“Really? Ohh no!! I’m going to miss you so much! It’s going to be so boring without you!”

“Aww, I’m glad to know that I will be missed.” Heartfelt affection

“Well, we could always keep in contact with each other by email, or once in a while by phone! And when you come back, give me a phone call and we can hang out!”

“Will do, I definitely want to keep in touch!”

--time elapse—

“Hey, how’s it going, this is what happened to me today, isn’t it weird?! Remember the time that we talked about it, and laughed that this and that will happen? Remember our other friend, they would totally get jealous! So many things happening to me! I won’t tell you all, I’ll wait until the next email to tell you more!”

“Hey Felicia, thanks for the great email, I can’t reply now, I’m sorry. I’m so busy”

“Hey, no worries!”

--time elapse—

“Hey, guess what! I’m moving again! I’m going to University at Canada, isn’t that crazy! I know that I move around lots, but I didn’t think I’ll be going to Canada for postsec! I’m so excited! Hey, when can we meet up? I’m in town for the next 4 weeks!”

“Oh hey, I’m sorry I didn’t read your email thouroughly, I didn’t know you were in town! Sorry about that, maybe next time”

“That’s ok. I know you’re busy. Take care. Bye”

Can you blame me for learning how to let go of people fast? I have learnt to only hold on to myself and to other things in life that I will know will not give me empty promises and lip service. God knows how much I would get excited to keep in contact with any friend I have, but it is hard when all that is given in return are beautiful, empty boxes of promises.

The only constants that have stayed in my life in my family. God you ask? Hahah, no. He has been constanly by my side, but I must admit that I have been the one giving empty lip service to Him. Ironic how I have become that which I utterly abhor.

“All my regrets are nothing new”

The situation changes, I move, I adapt, I forget, situation changes, I move, I adapt, I forget, I regret the same.

How do I reverse this double edged sword from severing all that I hold dear now? It is easier and more comfortable for me to let go and see it all move away from me, but I’ve done that much to often, and this time round, what is in my life is much more worth the hurt of fighting for than the comfort of letting go.

This time round, I’m learning self sacrifice, humility, being able to admit that I am not strong enough to make this on my own, and most of, that if I follow through with my promises to God, my lipservice will become songs of praise.

It is now time for me to move on, but this time, moving on is unpacking my boxes, arranging the pictures of old faces that almost mean nothing and something, laying down my comforts and seeing it at my feet as I walk over it to bring myself closer to everything that I would normally let slide.