Death Written Oct 5th, 2005

This is a blog inspired by the passing of dear Uncle Joseph, dedicated to the ever strong matriarch, Aunty Mary. This blog is also inspired by my Philosophy 101 class, of which many debates and arguments have arise. What is this thing that we call death. Some philosophers call it the lack of a choice, doctors and the like would call it the lack of brain activity. Regardless of what 'death' is, the bigger question is what happens with death. Before doing so, I would like to tackle the question of reactions to death. Of reactions, I can only speak for myself. As for the reactions of those close to me, that shall remain close to me. My first open casket viewing was surreal. I saw my aunt before she passed away, and then seeing her in her coffin, that was numbing. The bodies of the dead, the fortunate loved dead, are cleaned, and prepared for burial. There is always a need to make them up to appear life like, as if that would soften the blow of the loss of a loved one. There is something surreal, almost otherworldly of seeing the body of the one that you once knew to have held your hand when you were scared, argued with you when you were being difficult, the one who was walking and breathing like everyone else. My reactions would constitute that of first, numb acceptance, second, extreme sorrow and then that of realization and acception. Anyway, I'm getting off topic. When a person dies, it is the harsh realization that the memories and the things that you hold dear in the person has left the physical body. Christians and numerous other religions belief in an after life. To Christians, our afterlife is that with God. This is how I rationalize the passing away of a loved one; "They are at a better place, a place where we all strive to be at". I do not react compassionately at first, that much I admit, but when it comes for the time of mourning, nothing can stop the flood gates. The hope for an afterlife brings me to my primary topic, what happens after death. During my huge religious inferno, I developed a fear of death. At first glance, I did not understand my sudden fear of death. Upon further investigation, I realized that it was my doubt in God and his redeeming power that made me infinitely afraid of death. I was afraid of hell, I was afraid of nothingness, most of all I was afraid to admit it to myself. When I finally came back on the grounds of the love of my relationship to Him, and not my fear of death, death suddenly became a liberating thing for me. Of course, this is a view not shared with everyone, specially those who have been hard hit. Death got me started on my will. Morbid, I'll admit, but if you think about it, waking up everyday is nothing easy, it's just because we do it so often that we think we will do it again the next day. I have tried to value each and everyday, I have failed, but I do try. And so to my will. Dear Loved ones and Friends, Please do not cry for my passing, but if you must, cry for joy that I am with Him who my heart pines for. Do not build me a coffin, do not rouge my cheeks, do not dress me in my finest, do not carry me on your shoulders. Do not say that I was the best. Do burn my body to ashes to which it belongs, dress me in my favorite, scatter me on the shores of my land, say that I was human and that I wronged and I tried my best. Please do not cry, please remember that I am with Him who my heart pines for. Each one of you, take your most cherished memory of you and I, go to the place that we so often liked, take a moment there and remember who I am, what we did and what we shared. Remember that your life is very important to me, more time more important than mine. For those who I have wronged, I apologize. I apologize for lashing out, I apologize for not pausing before hurting you. Know that when I wronged you, I wronged myself more of a friend I could have had. I ask that you don't go to my grave, for I won't be there. Go to your most cherished memory with me, be that at the beach, in your mind, at a restaurant or at a garden bench, and there I will be there to be with you again in your memory. Remember me when I was wrong and remember me when I was right, for it is both the bad and good that makes me who I am.