All of my Regrets are nothing New

I haven’t been writing for a long while, which is what spurred me to exhume my long buried blog account. After going through all the required preliminaries of setting up my blog, I wondered, what in Heaven and Earth should I write about? This proved to a point of contention for me, as I have sat at my notebook, fingertips anticipating the light tapping of the keys, and …nothing. Absolute nothingness. Nothing from my mind, from my soul, barren. Then, lo behold, when I’m supposed to finish an 8 page essay due at 6 pm the next day, listening to music, it hit me! I will write about me! Narcissistic? Maybe, but hey, this is one subject area at which I am the surest of. I may not have a full grasp of who I am, but at least I know more about myself than I know about anything else.

Listening to Switchfoot, I heard the lyrics “all my regrets are nothing new”. How true those words are to me! The past few months have been a crystal clear mirror, showing everything that I love, value, and long to forget and cast aside. Traveling and moving around in my life, I was not required to stay committed to someone or something for more than 5 years of more. This is quite convenient seeing as I get bored with things really fast, but a real sore point, for I have not known what it is like to have a childhood friend, to have friends that last for more than the short, sweet span of a year. You see, moving around has got me used to making friends fast and also has me adjusting to loosing them fast. Over time, my heart callused in areas that now prove inconvenient.

I have learnt to adjust and fit in fast, I have learnt to evolve and change fast, but I have also learnt to let go and give up fast. I have learned to not hold on to people.

“Hey, I’m moving next month.”

“Really? Ohh no!! I’m going to miss you so much! It’s going to be so boring without you!”

“Aww, I’m glad to know that I will be missed.” Heartfelt affection

“Well, we could always keep in contact with each other by email, or once in a while by phone! And when you come back, give me a phone call and we can hang out!”

“Will do, I definitely want to keep in touch!”

--time elapse—

“Hey, how’s it going, this is what happened to me today, isn’t it weird?! Remember the time that we talked about it, and laughed that this and that will happen? Remember our other friend, they would totally get jealous! So many things happening to me! I won’t tell you all, I’ll wait until the next email to tell you more!”

“Hey Felicia, thanks for the great email, I can’t reply now, I’m sorry. I’m so busy”

“Hey, no worries!”

--time elapse—

“Hey, guess what! I’m moving again! I’m going to University at Canada, isn’t that crazy! I know that I move around lots, but I didn’t think I’ll be going to Canada for postsec! I’m so excited! Hey, when can we meet up? I’m in town for the next 4 weeks!”

“Oh hey, I’m sorry I didn’t read your email thouroughly, I didn’t know you were in town! Sorry about that, maybe next time”

“That’s ok. I know you’re busy. Take care. Bye”

Can you blame me for learning how to let go of people fast? I have learnt to only hold on to myself and to other things in life that I will know will not give me empty promises and lip service. God knows how much I would get excited to keep in contact with any friend I have, but it is hard when all that is given in return are beautiful, empty boxes of promises.

The only constants that have stayed in my life in my family. God you ask? Hahah, no. He has been constanly by my side, but I must admit that I have been the one giving empty lip service to Him. Ironic how I have become that which I utterly abhor.

“All my regrets are nothing new”

The situation changes, I move, I adapt, I forget, situation changes, I move, I adapt, I forget, I regret the same.

How do I reverse this double edged sword from severing all that I hold dear now? It is easier and more comfortable for me to let go and see it all move away from me, but I’ve done that much to often, and this time round, what is in my life is much more worth the hurt of fighting for than the comfort of letting go.

This time round, I’m learning self sacrifice, humility, being able to admit that I am not strong enough to make this on my own, and most of, that if I follow through with my promises to God, my lipservice will become songs of praise.

It is now time for me to move on, but this time, moving on is unpacking my boxes, arranging the pictures of old faces that almost mean nothing and something, laying down my comforts and seeing it at my feet as I walk over it to bring myself closer to everything that I would normally let slide.